Gamzee Makara and the Faygo Factory
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: Oneshot. "Your name is Gamzee Makara. You have just won a free tour of the Faygo factory, and you are allowed to bring a guest. Do you even know of what lies ahead of you and your guest when you tour the Faygo factory? Absolutely not. But, what will you do anyways?" Rated for Gamzee's choice of words.


**Author's Note: **I am so glad this idea hasn't been done before. I've wanted to write a Willy Wonka parody involving Gamzee and the Faygo factory for weeks now, and here it is! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck or _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_.**

* * *

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you and your best friend, Tavros Nitram, were kicking back and watching Full Hive, the Alternian version of the hit sitcom Full House. It seemed like a normal night, but you didn't know that things would change.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

"_We'll be right back after these messages!_"

"Commercials already?! The show just started!" Tavros groaned. Gamzee put a hand on his shoulder.

"Chill out, Tav. I heard that they started showing those commercials for that new Rufio movie starring Troll Dante Basco," Gamzee explained. But, the commercial for "that new Rufio movie starring Troll Dante Basco" didn't show. Instead, it was a commercial that would pique Gamzee's (and eventually Tavros') interests.

"_Hey, you! Yes, you! Do you like Faygo_?"

Gamzee's eyes sparkled.

"Hell yeah! I motherfucking love Faygo!" Gamzee answered.

"Uhh... Gamzee, he wasn't really addressing you," Tavros pointed out, kinda concered for his fellow Troll's sanity.

"_Then, you're in for a treat! We have hidden five golden tickets inside five randomly selected bottles of Faygo! If you find one of these golden tickets, you and one guest will win a trip to tour the Faygo factory!_"

Gamzee's eyes lit up.

"A tour of the Faygo factory?! No way! It would take a lot of motherfucking miracles for me to win that!" Gamzee said. Sollux entered the room.

"Guys, we have to go to the hospital. Eridan swallowed something weird and he needs surgery," Sollux explained. Five hours later, the Trolls gathered at Eridan's bedside at the hospital.

"Oh, my Cod! Eridan, are you okay?!" Feferi cried as she entered the room with the rest of the Trolls.

"Wwhat does it look like, Fef? I'm just peachy keen right noww," Eridan said.

"What did you swallow anyway? Whatever it was, they had to remove your Troll appendix because of it," Kanaya asked Eridan.

"The patient swallowed this."

A nurse named MS Paint entered with one of the golden tickets to tour the Faygo factory.

"Hey! That's a ticket to tour the Faygo factory!" Gamzee cried. Eridan took the ticket from MS Paint's hand.

"Finder's keepers, Gamz. It wwas in my body, so it should be mine," Eridan explained.

"That's what she said," Gamzee whispered to Sollux, causing the two to snicker.

* * *

On the way back to their hives, the Trolls decided to stop at Alternia Fried Cluckbeast for dinner.

"Why the fuck are we here?! The last time we ate here, Vriska got Troll Legionnarie's Disease, Equius almost got arrested, and Aradia had nightmares for a week!" Karkat asked his fellow Trolls.

"Because Alternian Fried Cluckbeasts are a delicacy that strong Trolls love to eat," Equius explained before he dug into a huge chicken wing. "Can somebody get me a towel? Or at least all of the napkins in this restaurant?"

Karkat facepalmed.

"Jegus, Equius, you're gross! You're one of the reasons why I wanted to eat at McTrollDonald's!" Karkat ranted.

"And wwhy is this not Troll Wwolfgang Puck? AFC is NOT for highbloods like -" Eridan ranted before Gamzee arrived at their table with drinks.

"I've got our drinks. There's milk for Equius and Nepeta, Red Lusus Bull for Sollux, wine for Eridan, which took me a motherfucking long time to get," Gamzee said as he passed out everyone's drinks. "And, now -"

Gamzee's Faygo slipped out of his hands and landed on the floor, where the bottle broke.

"Aw, man! What a waste of Faygo!" Gamzee cried as he began to clean up the mess.

"AC wonders what that shiny pawper next to Gamzee is," Nepeta commented.

"It's probably broken glass," Aradia guessed.

"Nope. Looks like that Faygo factory ticket Eridan swallowed," Sollux explained.

"Faygo factory ticket?! Where?!" Gamzee yelled excitedly.

"Uh... It's to the left of you," Tavros answered. Gamzee looked to his right. "Your other left, Gamzee."

Gamzee looked to his other left, where a Faygo factory ticket was sitting.

"No way... This is the motherfucking miracle of the sweep! I get to go to the Faygo factory!" Gamzee said in awe as he picked up his ticket.

"Who are you going to take, Gamzee?" Kanaya asked Gamzee, who thought this over for exactly ten seconds.

"My best bro, Tav."

* * *

The next day, Gamzee and Tavros were at the Faygo factory. Doc Scratch, who was giving the tour, was currently giving a speech to the excited crowd.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the Faygo factory! For four hours, our five, lucky winners and their guests will learn how Faygo is made, the history of Faygo, and other fun activities involving Faygo! Now, to introduce the winners!" Doc Scratch announced. Feferi and Eridan were the first ones onstage, and they were wearing formal clothes that would belong if they went to the opera and not a tour of the Faygo factory.

"My name is Eridan Ampora. I brought my matespirit, Feferi, as my guest. As a highblood, I should feel obligated to be honored to be here at a lowwblood's bevverage factory today," Eridan explained. The audience sweatdropped as Feferi elbowed Eridan.

"I'm not your matespirit!" Feferi whispered/shouted to Eridan, who frowned.

"Wweh," Eridan sobbed. Dirk and Dave were the next two people on stage.

"I'm Dirk Strider, and I brought my younger brother, Dave. We're attending this tour for ironic purposes," Dirk explained. Roxy and Rose were the next winners to take the stage.

"Is this thing on? Yeah?" Roxy slurred into the microphone. "My name is - *hic* - Roxy Lalonde. I brought my doughter - no, dipper - no, daughter, Rose."

Roxy then passed out. Rose facepalmed.

"Mom, you're embarassing me," Rose said as she picked up Roxy and flung her across her shoulder. And, then, the moment finally came for Gamzee and Tavros, since they were next to take the stage.

"I'm Gamzee Makara, and I motherfucking love Faygo. I brought my best bro, Tavros Nitram, with me," Gamzee introduced himself. Then, the last two prize winners took the stage.

"Hi, everybody! My name is MS Paint! I brought my good friend, Andrew Hussie, with me to tour the factory!" MS Paint explained as she motioned to a man with brown hair and a green T-shirt with a sword with wings on it. (1)

"My, my, what a group of prize winners we have today, ladies and germs! Give it up for our winners and their guests!" Doc Scratch commented. The audience cheered. "Now, let's begin the tour, shall we?"

With emotions ranging from apathy (Eridan, Rose, and Dave) to excitement (Gamzee), the winners, their guests, and Doc Scratch entered the factory, which was decorated with Betty Crocker merchandising and food stuff.

"Hey! This is a rip-off! This isn't the Faygo factory, this is a Betty Crocker factory! Damn you, Batterwitch!" Andrew Hussie yelled as he shook his fist.

"Hey, that's not motherfucking cool! I just got ripped off!" Gamzee cried.

"How long were you all under the illusion that you were touring the Faygo factory?"

The Condesce then entered the room. Everyone gasped.

"My God... What have I done?" Andrew Hussie asked himself before he got into the fetal position. Gamzee glared at the Batterwitch.

"I'll motherfucking kill you!" Gamzee yelled, suddenly going sober. "This is supposed to be the Faygo factory!"

But, before Gamze could make a move, he awoke in his recupracoon in his hive.

"Ahhh!"

Gamzee's goat dad bleated something.

"Nothing, Goat Daddy. Just had a nightmare, that's all," Gamzee said. His eyes trailed down to the five empty bottles of Faygo next to his recupracoon. "Never again... Never again..."

* * *

**(1) **- To clarify, this is supposed to be the fictional version of Andrew Hussie that appears in the comic and not the real life Andrew Hussie.

**Review if you want to see more fanfiction starring the Trolls!**


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